Illustration by Tiffy Thompson

There’s no shame in taking a series of mini-staycations (AKA Employment Insurance) to liven your spirits in our dire economy. They cost virtually nothing. And you likely won’t be subjected to/participate in:

– Air Canada snacks
-Rabies
-Hepatitis-infested ice cubes
-Expedited marital disintegration
-Increasing our National consumer debt
-Irreversible sun damage
-Mysterious STI’s

So many benefits! I’ve compiled a list of things you can do in Toronto & environs for your super summer staycation:

The “How many hours straight can I watch the Food Network?” Superchallenge

The Food Network is so comforting. Drift from Nigella to Iron Chef to the Barefoot Contessa in a sedated yet peckish haze. With the obvious exception of Rachel Ray (the antichrist), it’s like living with a looks-good-enough-to-eat, chattering friend that you never have to talk to.

Kill the Net

Full on blackout: no intergalactic superweb, no Facebooking, no texting, no IMing, no Skyping, no SurveyMonkeying, no MailChimping, and for God’s sake, no Twittering. Just you, adrift, on the Walden Pond of your own mind. A focused purge of all the porn and defilement and Gatorade ads will be like a New Mexican yoga retreat for your soul, but without any actual spiritual work.

Canada’s Wonderland: Mighty Canadian Minebuster

I know Leviathan’s all new and menacing, but the Minebuster will be forever soldered in my brain as the best ride in the park. Go at night when the funnel cake-stuffed masses lumber out and you can ride it on repeat. This rumbling wooden rollercoaster was one of the originals when the park first opened in 1981, so you know it has withstood the test of time and you totally won’t die on it. Also serves as a diuretic/anti-constipation agent.

Drug-Based Art Projects

This man created 33 self-portraits while on a bunch of different drugs, each portrait comically reflecting his physiological state. They are catalogued here. From the looks of things though, maybe steer clear of the PCP and the dilaudid. If you don’t want to fry your brain, you can instead (soberly) make that pile of useless crap repurposed children’s craft items you’ve been posting about on Pinterest.

Head to Trinity Bellwoods Park

Bring a blanket and some wine and spend the day gaping at amateur circus enthusiasts suspended atop a tiny tightrope. Join in the fun with some gentle heckling!

…Burn Your Yard
If you have a yard you should get a permit and burn your grass! Not only will it rejuvenate the soil to allow for new growth (maybe), but it will give you a sense of feudal dominion over your land. This can then be seamlessly woven into a campfire and old-timey weenie roast. Invite guitar dude who constantly regales you with Pearl Jam and you’ll have yourself a regular backyard bonfire in Sault Ste. Marie!

National Film Board of Canada Mediatheque
It’s air-conditioned, the chairs are like spacepods, and it’s free! You can easily kill an entire day/week/month at this massive film bank. They have all sorts of uproarious old sex-ed videos, Canadiana cartoons and lesser known but awesome documentaries. 

Create a swim up bar in your bathroom

Enlist your friends to dress up as your subordinates and bring you margaritas while you larf it up in your bathtub. They should be so lucky to see your hot beachbody!

…Learn something: You could probably get a decent free-ish education (without riotous protesting) if you just got a copy of a University course reading list and went to the library. All the benefits of school minus the commuting. And academia.

Don your pantaloons and take part in historical re-enactments at Black Creek Pioneer Village, as part of their daily showcase of “rural Ontario life in the mid 1800’s.” I once took part in one of these on Prince Edward Island and Gilbert Blythe flirted with me! You’ll yearn for the good ol’ days of butter churning and brute physical labour for the most basic of household tasks.

Sing in the Karaoke bar located directly underneath my apartment bedroom. Kidding! Please don’t actually do that.

Tiffy Thompson is a writer and illustrator for the Toronto Standard.  Follow her on Twitter at @tiffyjthompson

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