November 23, 2014
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A note on the future of Toronto Standard
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Marvel marks National Cat Day with a series of cats dressed up as its iconic superheroes
Doug Ford is likely going to be fined $11,950 for all the illegal signs his campaign planted
What To Do: Will Sex Ruin It?
Think, emote and then tell Kirk Heron all about it

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I am going to be visiting New York, where I used to live, and I emailed a former acquaintance who has given me career advice in the past to ask him for coffee. He replied his days were busy, but we could make it a drink. I thought this sounded less like a professional meeting, and more like a date, but I thought I am single so there is probably no harm in it. The problem is, he may still introduce me to potential employers. Is this a conflict if it did turn into something romantic? Should I approach this as friendly, romantic, or professional?

– Buisness or Pleasure

Hello, Business or Pleasure. Given the variation of factors, the science of romance is extremely complicated. Given my knowledge of science — which is still heavily rooted in grade eleven biology — there is only one acceptable way to come to a proper conclusion: a structured science experiment using an elementary version of the scientific method.

Question: While on a short trip to New York City, will the pursuit of romance by a career-driven female of the human species negate her professional male interest’s motivation to offer her future aid in finding gainful employment?

Research: Males of the human species have shown great intergrity and kindness throughout history, however they seem to find it difficult to pass up the opportunity to engage in sexual intercourse with women. Following the occurrence of a casual romance session, it has been observed that many males often retreat, effectively avoiding contact, often for extended periods of time. In one landmark study conducted by Dr. Kirk Heron of the Harvard science faculty, two subjects — labelled “David” and “Jennifer” — were offered alcohol and sent on a romantic outing. Upon completing what was described as “a terribly awkward sexual encounter involving many mishaps”, Jennifer, who had explicitly explained to David that their encounter should be a one-time thing and nothing should change following it, experienced great difficulty with contacting David during the days following the romantic outing.

Hypothesis: If a female of the human species pursues romance with a potential business contact, then the business aspect will likely be removed from the equation and replaced with an inconvenient void.

Experiment: With funding from the Canada Sciences Foundation, a female subject was sent to New York city to meet with a male suject with whom she had previous contact with. Their previous contact was not romantic, but it would be hard to deny that there was “a spark.” Upon arrival, the female contacted the male via telephone in order to arrange a meeting. A balmy Monday night saw the female and male subjects seated upon the patio of an upscale establishment that served alcoholic beverages, an item which each subject consumed in excess. Discussion about “millions of work opportunities in the big city” ensued. Following a conversation about how good potato chips taste late at night, the subjects retired to the male’s apartment and engaged in sexual activity. The following morning, the female left, feeling hopeful and somewhat satisfied. Hoping to meet up again the following evening, in order to discuss the possibility of future employment opportunities, the female left a message on the male’s voicemail. The male failed to reply in any way. Three days following her arrival, the female returned to Canada feeling somewhat depressed.

Analysis and Conclusion: Hoping to maintain a healthy business relationship while exploring her carnal desires, the female subject of traveled to New York City, had sex with the man she planned to use for business contacts, and failed to maintain communication following the incident due to the male’s inability to cope with a simple emotion. Though this is likely not the case with every male of the human species, it stands to be reasoned that the odds of maintaining a working relationship with someone you explore sexually are not worth betting on (unless you are a dirty, stinking gambler). 

____

Kirk Heron is Toronto Standard‘s advice columnist. Follow him on Twitter at @ohnowhattodo

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