July 22, 2014
July 22, 2014
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July 21, 2014
Standard Interviews: Les Murray, president of Toronto’s Festival of Beer
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July 15, 2014
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What if Toronto and Buffalo Actually Hosted the Olympics Together?
James Pasternak wants TO and "The Buff" to team up in 2024 but how would it work?

City Councillor James Pasternak has suggested that Toronto team up with Buffalo to submit a shared bid on the 2024 Summer Olympics for what would be the world’s first bi-national Olympic games. Mayor Rob Ford has yet to weigh in on the prospect and the bid wouldn’t be decided until 2017, but it appears that work on the Toronto-Buffalo games has already begun: Toronto Standard has uncovered a secret dossier of notes, sketches and crumpled napkins that outline some of the prelimary concepts for dealing with some of the logistical challenges a cross-border event would present. Most of the notes were near illegible, so we’ve tried to re-create them for you as best we can here.

Toronto & Buffalo or Toronto feat. Buffalo? Which one looks better on a hat?

Athletes, coaches and spectators travelling from one city to another will increase traffic at an already congested border crossing. Consider opening an extra lane? Could be expensive/complicated. More study needed.

Would a zipline from CN Tower to Buffalo have enough of a decline to pull average-sized spectators from one end to another by gravity alone?

“Waterworld” style floating Athletes’ Village in Lake Ontario. Redpath tankers would need to be appropriated for the duration of the games to maintain a consistent supply of condoms.

Niagara Falls would host diving, lol

PRO: Athletes looking to defect from their oppresive homelands would be given two very compelling options for escape.

CON: Prime Minister Jason Kenney may be tempted to deport entire North Korean bowling team before Gold Medal match. (North Koreans are excellent bowlers and highly motivated to flee.)

Will Olympic officials be able to police the overwhelming barrage of Buffalo jokes from Canadian athletes and media brats on Twitter? Are the “thought police” real?

Extend the Bloor/Danforth Subway past Kipling to Buffalo with a stop at Niagara Falls but NOT in Hamilton.

US would demand North American perimeter security be enhanced. Canadians could offer to turn over Facebook passwords to the US Government. A symbolic gesture, but it should appease President Zuckerberg.

Tubular structures to transport people from Canada to US could easily be modified to transport oil. Create legacy pipelines.

After 2012 games, Women’s Soccer could be awkward. Maybe skip it? Soccer not very popular globally anyways.

Closing ceremonies must feature best musicians with dual-citizenship. No exceptions.

How many medals should USA cede to Canada for inviting Buffalo to something?

____

Michael Kolberg is The Sprawl Editor at Toronto Standard. Follow him on Twitter for jokes @mikeykolberg

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