October 25, 2014
October 24, 2014
UberX is offering Torontonians a free ride to and from polling stations this Monday
U of T Alumni keep you warm with the world’s first smart heated base layer
The North American house hippo lives on in a line of adorable t-shirts
October 23, 2014
Torontonians can catch a partial solar eclipse this evening
Doug Ford said a bunch of questionable things last night
Toronto City Council as Characters from Game of Thrones
Can you compare the struggle for control of City Council to the struggle for control of Westeros? We did

All images: Tiffy Thompson

The struggle for control of Toronto City Council mirrors the struggle for control of Westeros. These games of thrones are both arduous, drawn-out marathons punctuated by moments of blood-soaked intensity. Flashes of brilliance are met with equal measures of incompetence and fool-heartiness. The players negotiate ancient allegiances, arcane rules and unpredictable scenarios and are often tasked with choosing between the lesser of two evils. Obviously, we love watching both, so we’ve matched up some of Toronto’s City Councillors with their Game of Thrones counterparts.

This distinguished lady from the North is the quintessential matriarch but she’s not afraid to throw her weight around in a field dominated by men. She’s a master diplomat known for reaching across the aisle and keeping it classy but I’ve always wondered what it would be like to see either of these two just lose it on some poor sap.

This plucky young upstart has never met a thrust she wasn’t ready to parry. Despite being thrown the odd curve-ball, she always maintains her composure when others might throw a fit. She’s cleverly maneuvered through an often hostile environment and we’re always watching for what she does next.

She sits high above the others in her court and shouts down anyone speaking out of turn – unless she agrees with them. Her manner is sharp and her temper is short. She’s a little kooky, but thankfully Frances Nunziata has never breastfed in council chambers.

 

It seems like he’s been on the council forever and is best known for offering boring and overly prudent advice. He’s certainly wise but increasingly out of touch. Plus, these guys kind of look the same.

Though they both have the ear of the top dog, these two are actually nothing alike. Baelish is smooth, subtle and understated. Mammoliti is loud, boorish and colourful. The only thing they really have in common is that they will both forever be associated with brothels

We have no reason to believe that, like the very creepy Craster, Mike Del Grande keeps his nineteen daughter-wives sequestered in a remote, northern fortress. Certainly we can’t assume that the one-time budget chief would kill any man fool enough to lay eyes on his girls. There is absolutely no way to prove that he sacrifices any sons born to him from this sordid arrangement to strange creatures in the woods. One thing is for sure: Craster and Del Grande are a couple of old grumps.

This political outsider seems to be on a permanent independent streak, though some believe she’s bound for the throne. A pillar of personal strength, she’s as stubborn as she is principled and won’t back down even when the odds are stacked against her. Often recognized for her beauty and fearlessness, she’s been known to cause a stir just by the choice of her outfit. More than anything, Karen Stintz is like the Mother of Dragons because she walked into the fire and came out unscathed.

Though his close ties with past administrations has endowed him with a healthy dose of self-righteousness, his brand of moralistic reasoning has resonated with those seeking an alternative to the increasingly irrational child on the throne. He continues to punch above his weight in battle despite the numbers being against him, a testament to the voracity of the hardened foot soldiers fighting for his cause. While his downtown ward means we wouldn’t call him King of The North, Adam Vaughan has inspired a number of camps to take up his banner. Plus, Vaughan’s hair makes him look like a direwolf.

His Worship is a spoiled blonde-haired bully whose wealthy family has bestowed him with a sense of entitlement, having risen to prominence thanks only to his father’s political connections. He rules like a tyrant and doesn’t feel the rules apply to him. Despite the competent strategists working around him, his childish antics draw the ire of his subjects. He is the butt of their jokes and the target of their oft-tossed pig shit. Still, he walks with a big stick, beheading subordinates who dare to tell him anything other than what he wants to hear, to say nothing of his apparent disdain for women. Ultimately, he is an ineffectual coward; a leader who understands not what he leads. Merely by being in charge, he has destabilized the realm over which he reigns, inviting challenges to the crown. Really, the only difference between Mayor Ford and King Joffrey is that I’ve actually met some people who like Mayor Ford.

What other characters would you match up with their council counterpart? Which resident of Westeros embodies the spirit of the always conciliatory Josh Matlow? Who on council deserves to be matched with the incomparable Tyrion Lannister (aka Peter Dinklage)? What of Gord Perks and Jon Snow? Who have we woefully misrepresented? Let us know in the comments and help us complete the Toronto City Council Game of Thrones.

____

Michael Kolberg is Section Editor for The Sprawl at Toronto Standard. Follow him on Twitter for jokes @mikeykolberg

For more, follow us on Twitter at @torontostandard and subscribe to our Newsletter.

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