Image: Revenge of the Nerds
For a long time I thought of myself as a nerd in high school, but that’s not exactly true. I was awkward in high school and never quite felt like I quite fit in. But everyone is awkward in high school, because teenagers are still learning how to be people, and no one feels like they fit in because high school. It is a halfway house for people who don’t know how to be people yet, unless you go to one of those alternative schools that offer courses on being yourself. I almost switched to one of those schools for Grade 12, but in the end, I stuck with the art school I was very lucky to go to. So, my high school experience was pretty good compared to most.
I was bullied in junior high, which sucked, but I’m glad it happened because I got an idea of what it’s like to be bullied. I learned to feel bad about the times I had been a bully and hopefully behaved less bully-ish once I learned how to be a person and saw that people bully each other all the time, both to feel better about themselves and for the sick pleasure of being cruel. People are nuts. Like everyone else under the sun, I have topped and bottomed in the bully game. Here are some of the times I was a bully. I’m sorry for them.
GEN X JEOPARDY
One of the biggest nerds at our Grade school was a guy named “Fred.” Kids sang a song about Fred that went “Fred, the geek, the guy who is a freak, how gross!” which would make more sense if you knew that Fred’s real name rhymes with “geek.” In Grade 6, I organized a trivia game for the class and called it “Gen X Jeopardy,” which I would like to go back in time and bully myself for. One of the questions was “Who sings ‘Whip It’?” When Fred answered “Puff Daddy,” we all laughed at him until the teacher yelled at us to stop or she’d shut down the game and this is why she didn’t want us playing in the first place.
THE SCREWDRIVER
The only kid who had it worse than Fred was “Phil Phillips.” Telling jokes at Phil’s expense was a bonding activity. In Grade 5, during overnight camp at Boyne River, a bunch of us were walking around outside the craft tent making fun of Phil. I said, “Phil Phillips is the reason they call it a Phillips-head Screwdriver!’” and everyone laughed without knowing what it meant, because it didn’t mean anything. Afterward, a kid named Matt approached me gingerly to ask what the joke was about, thinking it probably had something to do with sex, and not wanting to seem like he didn’t know a sex reference, which is why everyone had laughed in the first place. I said, “What, you don’t know?!”
THE LOVE LETTER
The only secret admirer letter I ever got was from a guy named “Jim Fillman.” I knew it was from Jim because Jim was the only boy in class who would admit to liking Sailor Moon, and the card had a drawing of Tuxedo Moon throwing a rose and saying “I Love You.” Instead of clutching it to my chest and feeling grateful, I showed it around like it was the dumbest thing ever and then confronted Jim in front of a bunch of people. I’m so sorry about that, Jim. Thank you for loving me. If it makes you feel any better, I’ve never received a missed connection.
BOBO
In Grade 4, I put on a play for the class called “Friends Stick Together… Sometimes!” It was a musical, and most of the songs were by Aaliyah, and I gave myself a good chunk of the singing parts. The script needed some punching up, so I added a character named “Bobo” whose job was just to dance around onstage and make grunts and other guttural noises. It wasn’t really bullyish but it might have been insensitive. If “Friends Stick Together… Sometimes!” were performed today, there’d be some angry blogs about it.
TRIBBLEHAUER
When I was 18, I dated a guy with a big beard who went by a wacky name and spoke with a vague accent whose origin I never knew. Let’s call him “Tribblehauer.” My closest friend at the time, “Bernice,” hated Tribblehauer’s guts and made fun of him constantly. Eventually, I took Bernice’s side and started acting really mean to Tribblehauer. Not just girlfriend mean, but the kind of mean where you gang up on someone because it’s fun and it solidifies your friendship with other mean people. The kind of mean you are in actual relationships is a whole other thing.
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Alexandra Molotkow writes about life and stuff for Toronto Standard. Follow her on Twitter at @alexmolotkow.
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