One of Evil Genius’s favourite pastimes is to play Would You Rather. His interest was sparked when his uncle published a book for him called A Bad Uncle’s Big Book of Impossible Dilemmas, asking questions so terrifying for a 7-year-old that Evil G couldn’t even bring himself to turn the page, like this gem:

“Would you rather: Never in your lifetime own a pet OR your parents buy you a dog and he’s your best buddy, you play together and he sleeps in your bed. You go everywhere together and he’s the best friend you could ever imagine, but at the end of one year you have to eat him.” 

Evil G didn’t touch the book much after that.

There’s a slew of different versions of the game. It’s as common as Roshambo and the intensity will depend on how much of a 7-year-old’s mind you have to how drunk of a college freshman you are (doesn’t seem like much of a range). The rules are simple: you must pick one or the other, or you forfeit the game. It’s the reasoning behind the answers where the game gets interesting.

I like the premise and simplicity of Would You Rather, but I’m not so keen on debating the merits of animal poop over vomit, so I figured I’d make my own. My version describes bodily fluids of a different kind. Let’s play…

Would you rather: 

… watch good porn alone or have bad sex with a partner?

I’ve experienced both ends of the spectrum with each of these options. So many variables have to align for me to enjoy porn, mostly because there’s just so much shit out there. Not much thrills me as much as the time I watched Insatiable for the first time when I was 14, so it’s a pleasant surprise to encounter a well-made porn flick that accomplishes its mission.

I’m at an age now where my tolerance is low for pretty much anything. I’d rather watch good porn, as I know I’ll be able to get off, even if it’s by my own hand. Luckily, I’ve got a good partner which means I don’t watch a lot. It’s my single friends I worry about, so birthdays are good excuses for me to gift a dirty book or DVD. 

… discover your kid’s porn stash or your parents’ sex toys?

When I was a tween, I discovered both of my parent’s private porn stashes, but no toys. If I had found any, I probably would have tried to use them myself. All I knew of sex toys back then was that description of the beige, plastic ‘Hand Massager’ you could order from the Consumer’s Distributing catalogue wasn’t fooling anyone.

I’d rather discover my kid’s porn stash. This would be proof against the recurring nightmare I have that Evil G will grow up to be a repressed church accountant in direct rebellion to what his mother is. 

… have your genitals pierced or your anus tattooed?

If you haven’t had either of these things done, you haven’t experienced pain. While I’ve only had the more public parts of my body tattooed {and that hurts quite enough, thank you very much}, I have had my pink bits pierced. Up until that point, I’ve never yelled obscenities that loudly or wanted to punch the person closest to me so badly. And the healing process involved crouching with wine glasses full of hot, salty water and abstinence for 4 weeks. It was a difficult month.

That being said, I’ve also had anal sex. Any pain experienced goes away when the penis goes away. With a tattoo, the pain sticks around for a while, and then there’s the itching. I certainly don’t want to imagine that healing process. I’ll take door number 1. 

…be able to perform oral sex on yourself or be served breakfast in bed every morning?

(This could be described as a trick question in that the options can be construed as one and the same, but for the sake of play, we’ll define breakfast as ‘bacon & eggs’.)

Much to my chagrin, I’m no contortionist (I can’t even do the splits), so I can’t tip my own velvet. I would if I could. Why wouldn’t I? It’s no different than manual stimulation, as far as I’m concerned, and the mouth can perform things that fingers just can’t.

I’ve also never really been one for a regular breakfas

This is a game which can go on forever, limited only by your imagination or prowess. Should you want to play but are drawing blanks, here are some options to get you warmed up: coyote arm, discovering your sister on redtube, bumping into your boss at a sex club, sleeping with the mayor. May your alternatives be way more enjoyable.