Could anything rival the unflagging baddassery of the motorcycle? The three-day Toronto Motorcycle Show attracted all manner of motorcycling enthusiasts, from ZZ Top lookalikes to guys that resemble your dentist. It was curiously situated next to the Miss Chinese Toronto Pageant, whose attendees wore significantly taller heels.

After muddling unsuccessfully through sheets of bike specs, I decided to just try and absorb some coolness by osmosis. The show covered all aspects of the motorcycling lifestyle. The manly booths included (but were not limited to); Toronto Spray Chrome (We Chrome ANYTHING!), Q-Ray ionized bracelets, Leather Pants, myriad sausage and jerky samples, Sons of Anarchy luxury plush blankets, and the ‘Ultimate Dog Chew’ (which, if you were wondering, is an elk antler).

Then there were the bikes: Yamaha, Honda, BMW, Harley Davidson, Triumph; all shiny and begging to be sat on. There were sexy girls in red mini-dresses at the Ducati display, wearing permanent Price is Right smiles. There were mostly dudes: young ones, old ones, mullets-flowing, balding, ball caps and leather. Most looked like they were going to bikegasm all over the room.

The UD Replicas booth featured these brilliant storm trooper and Batman motorcycle suits. “You’d have to leave on the back wheel if you are gonna ride wearing one of these,” laughed one onlooker.

The retro bikes were stellar: a 1967 Triumph Trophy, a 1967 Buttaco Metralia MK and a 1971 Norton Fastback. These sweet rides were roped off, unfortunately, and their owner is eyeing me warily. I head to the showy Harley Davidson display to sit on some hogs.

Keith Marshall, a Sales Manager at Jacox Harley, asked me if I ride. Do I look that cool? Of course I don’t. He guided me over to a Fat Boy model, and said; “if you can bench press this, I’ll give it to you.” I am too feeble to lift the bike. He demonstrated how to carve the wheel to a hard right and get it past the fulcrum point, which switches the center of balance. Then, even I can lift it. I sat on the seat and felt imbued with a strange, ancient power. I felt like gunning it and blasting through the loading dock door.

The “Yamaha Riding Academy” was also set up, where kids could ride around a mini-track on an off-road motorcycle (for free). Passersby exceeding the height restriction were visibly envious. There were also tri-bikes (whyyy?) and four-wheels, including this beast upon which I wish to roll up to Loblaws.

I began to feel faint so I headed to the food court. There was the omnipresent Pizza Pizza (barf) and 100% Kobe Beef Hot Dogs. I’m not sure I want to verify their authenticity, so I grabbed a beer instead and check out the ‘art display,’ a perplexing array of paintings featuring hockey players, flaming skulls, motorbikes and Lady Gaga. There was a perpetual ‘show’ going on — an elevated platform with a man sitting at a desk like Late Night with David Letterman and doing a Q & A show about bike touring in Mexico. A man in a leather vest behind me quips; “Motorcycle touring in Mexico? How many machine guns do you need?”

There were a number of ‘motorcycle tourism’ booths; Lake Superior, Wawa, Mexico, the Mayan Riviera. While some of us will retire and buy RV’s, the cool people will buy motorbikes (also known as freedom, FYI). This also means unbridled danger – there are no shortage of dudes with canes.

I talked to a few attendees about their bike allegiances. One gentleman, “George” from King township, is heavily in the Kawasaki camp. His friend, “Bud” likes the Triumph. He explains that it’s like having allegiance to a hockey team and you get pretty set on your own tastes, even when you can’t ride anymore.

“I wanted a Triumph Speed Triple but thought, look at you, you old bald prick,” scoffs Bud. “You can’t be riding a bike like that anymore.”

“He’s the best driver in the world except he crashes all the time,” laughs George.

“Yah,” agrees Bud. “Get something with a throttle on it and I grow horns.”

“Don’t let a brief moment of courage ruin your entire life,” warns George. “Now go buy another round.”

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