April 18, 2014
December 17, 2013
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Michael Ignatieff's Predictions
Satire: Turns out the former Liberal leader fancies himself some kind of crystal ball reader or something

Michael Ignatieff enjoys his tiny drink. Credit: Flickr

This week, Michael Ignatieff made headlines after telling a BBC Scotland documentary that due to its increasing isolation from the rest of the country, Quebec would renew its drive for independence from Canada if Scotland were to go ahead with its own separation. After doing some digging, the sleuths here at Toronto Standard discovered that this isn’t the first bold prediction the former Liberal Party of Canada leader has made recently. Here are some of Ignatieff’s more realistic prognostications:

  • Every time I open my front door, my cat tries to escape and run out into the yard. The logic eventually is full independence.
  • The Cola wars — a war I supported at its outset, something I regret — will soon come to be dominated by Crystal Pepsi. Fact.
  • Kim Kardashian and Kanye West seem like they are going to last forever. With Kanye’s great passion and Kim’s common sense, I can’t see any circumstances where these two break up any time soon.
  • I don’t think Facebook’s Timeline is here to stay. All I’m hearing is complaints. They’ll change it back to the old layout, I’m sure of it.
  • Not going to say how, but watch for Israel and Palestine to patch things up real soon. In these situations, logic always prevails.
  • I can’t think of Saturday Night Live without Jason Sudeikis, but if he leaves that show, watch as supporting characters from across the TV line-up follow his lead and strike out on their own.
  • Next season for the Toronto Maple Leafs… this is the year
  • Based on this poll of first graders, about 90% of our future workforce will be made up of astronauts because people always get whatever they say they want.
  • The sequel to Disney’s John Carter is going to be a smash hit.
  • No candidate will ever topple Stephen Harper because he is perfectly aligned with the values of Canadians. It’s not like people vote with their gut based on candidates’ personalities.

____

Michael Kolberg is a writer/comedian who writes for Toronto Standard. Follow him on Twitter at @mikeykolberg

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