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By some miracle techno glitch, all of Stephen Harper’s outgoing e-mail has been forwarded to my Gmail account. The following is a completely unedited glimpse into the Prime Minister’s unofficial communications.

TO: Fidel Castro (

SUBJECT: Is That The Best You Got?

Yo Fidel!

Just who do you think you are? Has all that cigar smoke addled your brain? You think you can just go running your mouth off, dissing Canada’s oilsands and I won’t hear about it? How’re you going to keep all those vintage cars running without our bitumen, Castro? You think Chavez has enough for the both of you? Didn’t think about that, did you? Do the math! You need us. That’s what my economists are telling me, anyway.

If you’re so upset about the “damages” being caused by our mining projects in Latin America, maybe you should trying digging for your own buried treasure next time. If we weren’t pulling all this gold out of the ground, what would you line your state toilets with? You latte-sipping commie elitists expect everone else to do the heavy lifting while you collect the benefits. Then you sit in your palaces and have the nerve to complain about how we do it. You wouldn’t know a honest days work if it shaved off your beard. What does Cuba know about collecting natural resources? Are you going to send a bunch of DOCTORS into a mine? You don’t know what you’re talking about.

At least now I have a boogeyman to align all those protester hippies with. “If you don’t love the oilsands then you’re the same as a violent dictator.” Perfect! Acting like you have human compassion because you care about the environment just doesn’t have legs when are a known murderer. No surprise then that 90 per cent of Sun News readers think it’s ironic that you’re chirping at me. It’s called freedom of the press, have you heard of it?

All this even though Canada sends you more visitors than anywhere else on the planet. We’re pumping your economy so full of tourist dollars we’re practically building your schools, with your fancy 99.9 per cent literacy rate. And this is how you repay me?

But why do I care what you think. In Cuba you literally couldn’t buy or sell property without state approval until last year! You can’t write this stuff.

I’m not surprised you don’t know whether we’re a colony, a republic or a monarchy. You’re so demented you couldn’t tell your ass from your elbow! I bet you think you’re still the President. Newsflash: you were never elected you in the first place you old Marxist fart! We didn’t have to overthrow anybody to get our country. You know who’s face they should put on a t-shirt? Yours, when the good people of Cuba finally coup your ass.

Oh and of course, you would love Trudeau. You’d have to be brain dead to like that guy, yet I’m the one who’s “full of illusions.” Bet you were pretty pleased when his kid clobbered our guy in the boxing ring. Or was it not violent enough for you? I know you’re a fan of bloodsport. How many people did you murder again? Oh yeah, a whole bunch!

Next time you want to lash out because Raul won’t let you sit in the big chair anymore, lay off Canada. It’s just embarrassing.

Back off,

Stephen Harper

P.S. I’ll ask Ozzie Guillen how long Jose Bautista should be suspended if he were to say he loved Keystone XL and let you know. Just sayin’ :P


Michael Kolberg is a writer/comedian who writes for Toronto Standard. Follow him on Twitter at @mikeykolberg

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