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October 31, 2014
A note on the future of Toronto Standard
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John Tory gets a parody Twitter account
October 29, 2014
Marvel marks National Cat Day with a series of cats dressed up as its iconic superheroes
Doug Ford is likely going to be fined $11,950 for all the illegal signs his campaign planted
Don Cherry Reads Newspaper, Goes Berserk
Grapes unleashes Twitter tirade after reading the "front part" of the newspaper

Don Cherry courtesy of CBC

Don Cherry doesn’t usually read the news. The Coach’s Corner analyst is normally cloistered in a hockey-only infomation bubble, unaware of the terrifying daily hellscape that Torontonians live through. But with no end in sight for the NHL lockout and no fights or big hits to cut together for Rock ‘em Sock ‘em 24, Grapes emerged from the fog and happened to pick up the paper and read “the front part” to find out how civilian life has been affected by this devestating drought. The truth was no less than horrifying.

Vandalism. Assualt. Murder. Olivia Chow considering a mayoral run. Public officials being held to account. These are terrifying times for Toronto the Not So Good Anymore.

Cherry was aghast to learn that there is, indeed, crime in this city of 2.5 million souls. It really grinds his gears that crimes, which fill space in newspapers so effectively despite record low crime rates, happened. He was offended that a jogger would give a woman the finger, and that his buddy the mayor (who would never give anyone the finger) was being sued. He was so blown away by the suggestion that people in Toronto would vote for Oliva (sic) Chow as mayor that he included that possibility on a list of senseless acts of violence.

This is not the Toronto that Don Cherry once knew, where liquor was unavailable on Sundays. He’s right. If Torontonians weren’t getting so drunk between church and the football game we wouldn’t be out murdering and voting and carefully considering current events in a rational way. And these left-wing pinkos like Frances Nunziata and Michael Thompson want to cut the police budget. Go figure.

So it was surprising that with all of this shocking information rattling him to the core, Cherry was able to get on Twitter to let us all know just what he thinks of all of that, thank you very much.

Here’s the multi-tweet tirade in full:

Usually I don’t read the news, just the sports but I happened to pick up the paper and read the front part the other day. First, there was a photo fo (sic) a jogger kicking and destroying Canadian flag and gives a women the finger. Then it continues, my buddy the mayor getting sued, Oliva (sic) Chow next mayor, man slits wife’s throat, kills her. Vandal desecrates monument war memorial, photo of a guy who sexually assaults women, vet is robbed of his war medals, guy shot and killed in 48th murder, other buddy Cheif Blair ripped in column… What happened to Toronto the good? Remember we couldn’t get liquor on Sunday’s (sic)? Poor us. What should we call Toronto now? All this crime and people want the Police budget cut. Go figure.

In all seriousness, Cherry’s concern is not totally misplaced. Despite record low crime rates in Toronto, instances of assault have remained consistent, especially downtown along the Bay St. corridor. Although we don’t yet have data for these last few months, it remains to be seen whether a lack of hockey fights at the ACC will drive these numbers down. There’s just no way of knowing how these things are related. But what do I know, I don’t usually read the news.

[h/t @djdemers]

____

Michael Kolberg is The Sprawl Editor at Toronto Standard. Follow him on Twitter for jokes @mikeykolberg

For more, follow us on Twitter at @torontostandard and subscribe to our Newsletter.

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