1. PSY will perform Gangnam Style at Margaret Thatcher’s funeral.
2. Carly Rae Jepsen will finally return one of my phone calls, agree to date me, but then dump me via text.
3. George Bush Sr.‘s mortal flesh host will expire but his evil will live on in our hearts via a nano-chip planted in each of us by the CIA
4. a) Barack Obama will jersey Stephen Harper at a big international summit meeting in response to a big hockey win for Team USA over Canada. Harper will laugh it off like it was no big deal, but secretly he will be very pissed.
4. b) The Keystone XL pipeline will be approved and fears will be confirmed when it bursts in the middle of an ecologically sensitive region of the United States but instead of leaking oil it will leak walrus shit.
5. Justin Bieber will tweet a dick pic on purpose.
6. North Korea will successfully launch a rocket into another part of North Korea.
7. Instagram will introduce a new terms of service agreement that allows them to have sex with you.
8. Mark Zuckerberg will come of out the closet and announce that he is “gay with a robot.”
9. Katy Perry and Russell Brand will get back together once they discover they were truly in love. That’s it, no joke, I just believe they were meant to be together.
10. Ryan Seacrest will die in a shoot out with the ATF.
11. Kanye West will die of autotune-erotic asphyxiation.
12. Kim Kardashian and Kanye West’s baby will be nominated as the Republican Party candidate for President for 2016.
13. The Royal Baby will ignite and international incident when he or she seemingly disrespects Blue Ivy Carter. 40,000 dead.
14. Rob Ford will save Toronto from certain destruction by personally flying a space shuttle directly into an approaching asteroid saving millions of lives and cementing his status as the city’s greatest hero.
15. Ikea Monkey will tweet a dick pic on purpose.
MORE YEAR END STUFF:
Best of 2012: The 8 Funniest Things that Happened in Toronto
Best of 2012: What I’ve Learned
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Michael Kolberg is The Sprawl Editor at Toronto Standard. Follow him on Twitter for jokes @mikeykolberg
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