Anyone can adjust what’s on the runway for use in their everyday wardrobe. Obviously these are a fun and subtle homage to the Renaissance that could easily work as a back-to-school look and this is some fractal realness to be served up in your nearest biology class, but what do you wear when things turn–as they so often do–completely to shit? This column is here to help. Welcome to Runway to (Things Just Got) Real Life. You’re welcome in advance.
What to wear to make people wonder if you’re a celebrity during TIFF
It’s the most wonderful time of the year… to stand outside a Starbucks in Yorkville and wonder if that handsome man with the greying hair is George Clooney in some derelict attire or a full-on hobo who just wants to be left alone. It can be hard to tell, and that’s exactly the point. TIFF is more than just a world-class film festival, a boon to the city’s economy, and a beloved return of the city’s occasional 4 a.m. last call; it’s an attention whore’s moment to shine. At the TIFF13 opening party I was struck, however, by a lack of dedication amongst attendees to look the part: hello, guys, we’re living the dream! You’re rubbing shoulders with the who’s who of our little town and fancier, glitzier towns overseas! There are free, Adam Levine-themed (?) drinks! You’re holding cake on a stick in one hand and a teensy tiny fish and chips in the other and the toilet just gave you a gentle butt-spritz before drying you off with the care of a new mother. So why are you wearing that hat with those lace tights?!
Sunglasses, hi, hello
I feel like a lot of these guides have involved wearing sunglasses, but what can I say? They are a versatile piece, as functional as they are fashionable, as nice to look at as they are nice to look through, and especially nice to gaze over the tops of while you say to important-looking people “so nice to see you again,” and watch them just frrrreeeaaaaak out while they try to place you. Did you serve them a coffee last week or did you recently take a star turn in Osage County? Are you a friend of a friend….’s cousin or are you BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH, international Sex Man 2013 and star of much-panned but hilariously hirsuted The Fifth Estate? The important people may never know, but you’ll be drinking free cocktails while they try to figure it out.
Work your most famous person feature
Strong Roberts-inspired nose? Luscious Johannson bust? Gentle but damaged Buscemi eyes? Long, pendulous Cyrus tongue? Get it out there and twerk it on the red carpet! (Probably do not twerk, we’ve talked about this. We’ve all talked about this so much.) If you’ve got particularly Knightley-esque collarbones, consider a boatneck top. If strong, Jackman-like pecs are your thing, go with a classic deep-V or overly tight men’s dress shirt (hot look for fall). If your strong brows harken back to a more classic age of filmed comedy centered mostly around harming your fellow human beings, why not wear some jaunty hair jewelry to direct the eye thither?
F[l]ashion-forward
A big perk of being a celeb is knowing what is going to be in style before it trickles down to the unwashed masses. (Right? Famous readership of Toronto Standard, do you guys wanna chime in here? This a perk or what?) And what’s more forward than rocking the hot looks of a few seasons from now? Make up a few predictions for summer 2014 and rock them with some autumn 2013 classics like emerald cardigans and military inspired boots. It might not be comfortable to be busting out some Cynthia Rowley Resort ’14 in cruddy autumn weather, but come onnnn that’s a cool one-piece.
K.I.S.S.
If you don’t have the money or swag for the all-out celebu-lunacy of a Swinton or a Bonham-Parker, get inspired by classic festival presences like Kirsten Dunst and Diane Kruger, who bring it year after year in Toronto, Cannes, Berlin, etc. Think clean lines, unfussy hair and make up, classic elegance. Remember: celebrities have nothing to prove.
The main thing about celebrities out in the wild is that your eye is drawn to them immediately because they look just like a regular person except quietly better. Nicer, whiter teeth, regular person’s clothes in nicer fabrics and better cuts, incredibly well-groomed hair, simple but costly make up and skincare products. Can you recreate that with a statement necklace and some jazz lipstick? Probably not. But after a few Apple Levines, anybody could be a celebrity, right?
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Monica Heisey is a writer and comedian from Toronto. She has also written for VICE, Huffington Post, and She Does the City. Follow her on Twitter @monicaheisey.
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