April 19, 2014
December 17, 2013
Rob Ford Sort of Apologized to Daniel Dale Today
December 16, 2013
Rob Ford Missed An Opportunity to Avoid Getting Sued This Weekend
Movers and Starters: Chris Gory
December 13, 2013
Dean Blundell Show on Hiatus for Homophobic Jokes
The 13 Best Comments on Beyonce’s Instagram Page After Her Surprise Album
Runway to (Shit Just Got) Real Life: What to Wear to Your Remorseful Tell-All Interview
Monica Heisey provides style advice for life's lesser moments

Anyone can adjust what’s on the runway for use in their everyday wardrobe. Obviously this can be easily applied to an office setting and this is destined for a big night out with the boys, but what do you wear when things turn–as they so often do–completely to shit? This column is here to help. Welcome to Runway to (Shit Just Got) Real Life. You’re welcome in advance.

What to wear to: Your remorseful tell-all interview

You’ve fucked up big time, and now it’s your moment to redeem yourself. Your tearful apology/heartfelt confession/quietly dignified total breakdown is going to be televised, scrutinized, tumbled and tweeted, and it’s your fault for participating in the affair that broke up One Direction/betraying your fans/doing drugs directly off of Rob Ford’s butt (imagine) and instagramming it (WHY). You’ve got some ‘splainin to do, and your friend Fashion is here to help you express yourself. Here’s what to wear while you avoid direct eye contact and rack your brain for euphemisms for “completely illegal substances.”  

Low-key hair and makeup

Gents, nothing says “I wasn’t sexting my underage intern and even if I was I recognize now that Snapchat is a better forum than Gchat,” like a few days of stress-stubble. Ladies, now is not the time for a dramatic cat eye–unless you plan to weep the whole thing off over the course of the interview, in which case, RESPECT and proceed. Take a cue from Elie Saab and Michael Kors at the most recent New York Fashion Week: a low pony is the humblest ‘do there is. “I feel lower than my ponytail is right now, ie. extremely low,” you can say, as an opener. Alternatively, shave your head like an Ancient Greek mourner, or Lance Armstrong’s Oprah interview steez. (Or Britney Spears in 2007, I would forgive that poor creature anything.)

Sombre palette

I know spring is just around the corner and everyone is telling you to include a “pop of colour” in your sartorial self-expression, and I’m sure the slow, creeping end of winter means you’re desperate to get out of neutral tones and into some summer brights– but you should have thought of that before you maimed Jennifer Lawrence in a horrible butt-accident. She may never wear yoga pants again; keep things appropriately dark and moody.

Meaningful layers

Make sure your clothing is simple and relatable. Everyone makes a plain white t-shirt, so wear your Joe Fresh iteration instead of this $630 Alexander Wang take. (No one feels bad for a woman in Wang.) You can also use fashion as metaphor, layering up to illustrate the complex layers of your own personality. As your interrogation progresses, start to shed your beige-scale coverings like an onion. As you slip each one off, begin to weep, as though cutting through that onion. Try not to arrive at the interview reeking of onions.

Remorseful accessories

Get cilicium-chic for 2013. Medieval hair shirts are SO hot right now. …And all the time, they make the wearer uncomfortably itchy and warm as a form of bodily mortification, a Christian practice in which sinners made themselves uncomfortable for long stretches of time as a form of penance. Those of you who prefer angora to sackcloth can flash the camera some worry beads, a Greek and Cypriot emblem that you’ve been up late stressing, not up late snorting lines of crushed candy you stole from a baby.

Remember, if you form bad habits, you’ll end up in bad habits. Dress smart and play smart, babies! Until next time. 

____

Monica Heisey is a writer and comedian from Toronto. She has also written for VICE, Huffington Post, and She Does the City. Follow her on Twitter @monicaheisey

For more, follow us on Twitter at @TorontoStandard and subscribe to our newsletter.

  • TOP STORIES
  • MOST COMMENTED
  • RECENT
By Igor Bonifacic
April 24th, 2014
Industry Movers and Starters: Adam Hasham of Hurrier
Read More
By Igor Bonifacic
April 17th, 2014
Industry Movers and Starters: Ian Carnevale of Fora
Read More
By Igor Bonifacic
April 8th, 2014
Industry Pop-up Startup
Read More
By Igor Bonifacic
April 1st, 2014
Industry Movers and Starters: Mallorie Brodie and Lauren Hasegawa of Bridgit
Read More
  • No article found.
  • By Igor Bonifacic
    April 14th, 2014
    Industry Movers and Starters: Neven Zeremski of Dubb
    Read More
    By Igor Bonifacic
    April 8th, 2014
    Industry Pop-up Startup
    Read More
    By Igor Bonifacic
    April 1st, 2014
    Industry Movers and Starters: Mallorie Brodie and Lauren Hasegawa of Bridgit
    Read More
    By TS Editors
    March 10th, 2014
    Culture Revolutionizing the Beer Drinking Experience with the Sam Can (Sponsored)
    Read More

    SOCIETY SNAPS

    Society Snaps: Eric S. Margolis Foundation Launch

    Kristin Davis moved Toronto's philanthroists to tears ... then sent them all home with a baby elephant - Read More