After weeks and hours spent in front of my computer screen relentlessly mocking six hopeful dudes, Gillette’s Drafted, the search for Canada’s next sports broadcaster, is over!
In an hour-long live show hosted by last year’s winner Jackie (in leather leggings no less), the finalists were eliminated one by one as the judges (Cam, Greg, Gillette’s Rob and Renee) gave positive feedback on their performances.
I’m going to take a second to mention that the day before the live finale aired, I had the chance to be a stand-in during a run through for Drafted at The Score’s headquarters. Sitting in the place of Renee (desk + mic = all the power) was so much fun and I got to ridicule the stand in contestants, eliminating them because of an aggressive mustache or lack of a cardigan. When I arrived, one of the producers warned me that I wouldn’t be allowed to tweet any spoilers, but because of the use of pseudonyms and constantly switching up where all the stand-ins sat, I got way too confused to even guess who won. Plus I finally met Andrea, so coolest day ever.
Back to the show. We start off with the usual last-day-of-a-reality-show montage of clips from the try outs that took place all over Canada and the boot camp that narrowed down the field from 24 to the six guys we’ve watched compete for the past eight weeks. In a few minutes, we see DRA-MA. All the confessionals where they’re bashing each other are shown and geez is it glorious. Personally, I think there could have been better drama if this season actually had weekly eliminations. Next year guys, next year. Plus, this gal’s tush in a judges chair. JUST A SUGGESTION……Greg, you listening?
In the studio, the guys are sitting on plastic chairs in two rows of three, hoping their names won’t be called to sit on the Elimination Couches of Doom. On the line is a one year contract with The Score as well as a one year contract as a spokesperson for Gillette. Plus the nifty glass trophy that sits between the Elimination Couches of Doom. So close, yet so far.
The judges waste no time in getting started and BOOM, Ray is out! He slunks over to a couch (of doom!) and is forced to sit through a reminder of his time with Drafted. Greg tells him that he was awesome in the last challenge in Boston to which I tell the TV, too little too late my friend! Jackie then points out that Nate and Ray were buddies and how does it feel that he’s the first to be eliminated. Nate tells us that Ray is a great guy but still thank god it’s him and not Nate. Except not that last part.
Next up to join Ray on the couch is….Chris! As we watch his own journey reel, I feel bad because I was really starting to like Cheekbones McGee here. The majority of his reel is about his crazy blinking but when we come back the judges can’t help but praise his sports IQ. Cam lets us know that if he were to have a son, Chris would be it. Alrighty then. Andrew agrees about Chris’s sports IQ and of course has to throw the word ‘statistics’ into his speech.
*Dramatic dark lights!* Nasr! Please go to the Elimination Couches of Doom! In his reel, he talks about his parents coming to Canada and building an entire life for their kids. It takes a lot to NOT feel bad about making fun of him after that…but I’m getting through it okay. Renee has to mention that, as a teenager, it’s pretty impressive that he made it as far as he did. We go to Matty to chat about the competitiveness between him and Nasr and all the trash talk in Matty’s confessionals, but he says it’s only because Nasr reminds him of a younger Matty.
Nasr mentions that he thinks Nate should win because he’s the most likeable and Andrew looks like he’s being forced to eat a lemon. Amazing.
To take a breather in between ruining people’s lives, we get to see a few funny videos that include Cam not being able to get a handle on calling finalists out like he’s Bob Barker and one of Jackie talking about her hatred of feet and running in circles to prevent the cameras from catching her own.
The third video is what they called controversial and it’s from the Live at the Score episode when Andrew was horrendous in the first take and better in the second and so was given second place in the challenge. All the guys are shown taking about how bullshitty it was and Nasr mentions that this is the second time this kind of upset with Andrew has happened. When Jackie asks when that other time was, Nasr instead just gives us a rundown of the Live at the Score challenge. Andrew basically tells everyone to fuck off. In accountant-speak though.
Alas, the Couches of Doom need another sacrifice and they get: Nate. Who in turn, gets those horrible mudflaps he gave Paul Bissonnette back. Signed by the cast and crew from Drafted. It would be a real ‘awwww’ moment if it wasn’t such an ‘oh snap!’ moment. Nate has the number one spot for amount of public votes so that’s still something. Cam and Renee both agree that the last challenge was the best for Nate and it’s kind of cool how far he got without any broadcast experience.
We’re down to the last two: Andrew and Matty and of course are treated to reels of their own Drafted journeys. Andrew has tried out for this show three times and found out he made the show the day after his grandfather died. He killed the Bissonnette interview and cried in Boston. Matty is the comedian with the on camera experience and spends a bit of his reel wishing he had taken more risks. He also cries.
The two finalists stand up to hear the news and the lights go down. The guy getting drafted is: MATTY D! Confetti! Bright lights! A trophy!
Yay, he won. But let’s talk for a bit.
Where the shit were the tears?! Where were the breakdowns? Am I the only person who would ditch all dignity and kick stuff over, flip the cameras off and tell the judges their opinions are stupid? The guys on the couches were devoid of any kind of emotion whatsoever. I wanted to hear people challenge their elimination and knock over something expensive on their way out. Disappointment is raging inside of me right now.
Also, I was invited to the Drafted wrap party and actually met all the contestants (except Andrew who left right after, juicy!). I was a little worried that the guys who gang up and claw my eyebrows – sorry – eyeballs out but instead they were all seriously cool guys. Damn, now I feel bad. Well, not really, but I probably should.
Congrats Matty D! You were my favourite all along….
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Bianca Teixeira writes about bunches of things. Follow her on Twitter at @BeeLauraTee.
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