October 25, 2014
October 24, 2014
UberX is offering Torontonians a free ride to and from polling stations this Monday
U of T Alumni keep you warm with the world’s first smart heated base layer
The North American house hippo lives on in a line of adorable t-shirts
October 23, 2014
Torontonians can catch a partial solar eclipse this evening
Doug Ford said a bunch of questionable things last night
Native Tongue: 'St. Patrick's Day 2012'
Limericks for the annual celebration of ethnic caricature

Poems about the modern world, by Lauren Bride.

St. Patrick again has his day,
Upcoming on this Saturday.
It is often abused -
May I please be excused?
Or just sink myself in Georgian Bay?

Hell’s Kitchen is far in New York,
Though for one day, everyone’s an O’Rourke.
What harm could it be?
Leprechauns, cĂ©ilidhs,                                                                                                                                                                                   And the freedom to be a drunk dork?

In imagining it, there’s no danger,
And no broken nose from a stranger,
Who might clean your clock,
Steal your shamrock,
Dispose of your corpse in a manger.

The green beer could be quite becoming,
Trickling down chins while it’s numbing
The rest of the person,
Who is bettered and worsened,

Later unwell, harming plumbing.

And there once was a lad from Peru,
Who moved here for something to do.
He was hoping for snow,
Disappointed, he’ll go,

Though he quite liked Erin Go Brew.

Maybe this year, you’ll be granted,
With a comatose kid so enchanted,
That he or she
Just had to be
Face down by your doorstep, and pants-ed.

All in good fun, je comprends.
You can’t really help how you’re spawned.
It’s only genetic,
But I find it emetic.
Because I’m too strawberry-blond.

 ____

Lauren Bride is a writer, among other things.

For more, follow us on Twitter at @torontostandard, and subscribe to our newsletter.

____
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