“Friend Zone Fiona” meme

When I was in Grade 10, I fell hard in love with a man we will call “Hans.” Actually, Hans was his real name — no pseudonym could capture his glorious persona any better than the truth. He had long, silky blonde hair that fell in gentle waves, wore black charcoal eyeliner and listened to Ministry and Skinny Puppy. He was basically a super femme-y goth boy, and I was intrigued by this different and mysterious phenomenon. Up until then the only boys I had ever met wore sneakers, basketball sneakers and gelled their hair into “caesars.” So I was really into this guy.

We went to different high schools, which meant that we maintained a quintessentially millennial teen relationship by talking for hours on MSN messenger each night. We had “really deep” conversations about philosophy that rearranged my insides. One time he stuck his hand down my pants when we were in private at a party. I had never kissed anyone before.

One day I was over at my best friend’s house after school, and we were both glued to the computer screen, chatting with Hans. While I was in the bathroom, she asked him if he ‘liked’ me, in an effort to speed up our dumb, awkward courtship. He replied; “Yeah, sure. I like her as a friend.”

Boom. I had just been friend zoned.

The friend zone is a social meme that has gained traction in recent months, basically stating that when a man is really awesome and friendly to a woman, she should probably want to be in a relationship, or at least have sex or else WTF? It’s very existence denies any possibility of a platonic heterosexual friendship.

Some definitions of the friend zone have been careful to not to mention the specific genders of the rejecter and the rejectee, but all too often the friend zone is written as a barren, Siberia-like wasteland of affection where only straight men are doomed to wander for the rest of eternity, or at least until their crush starts liking them back.

Urban Dictionary has no kind words for the friend zone, labeling it as; “having all the responsibilities of a boyfriend with none of the benefits. Seen as a dick in a jar for women when she can’t fuck someone better.” Also, “The worse place a man can be unless: 1. He is gay, 2. The girl is ugly.” Umm, wow.

On Reddit – a friendly website with a dark, misogynist underbelly if you witnessed Gawker’s expose of subreddits featuring pictures of unwitting, scantily clad teens and covert upskirt shots earlier this year – one user posted an image of a woman walking over a man as a bridge, and labeled it “Friendzone Level: Bridge” in the subreddit /r/funny. The only thing is, it’s not really that funny.

The odour of the friend zone is uncannily familiar; it smells like rejection. Rejection is a justifiably upsetting occurrence. It is a love hangover that begins with the overwhelming sensation of nausea, then anger, and a lasting pulsating frustration that only time, friends and a lot of shitty junk food can dull. It makes sense to get angry when someone you love doesn’t want to be with you, but are men who get rejected so butthurt they are actually unwilling to accept that maybe (just maybe) women get rejected too?

I am grossed out by the entire of the concept of the friend zone: the word seems like it is only used by idiot dudebros who are stung by the shock of rejection, and gasp-offended girls who can’t believe a guy is mad that she just want to be his friends. Both feelings are knee-jerk reactions of people who have not yet reached out to understand the other side.

Emotions are like sticky egg yolks that break accidentally, and then run everywhere. They are the messy complex things that make us human. Rejection is a thick, murky emotional mud, and wallowing in it is like quicksand; the more you flail, the deeper you get stuck. Everyone has sucky emotions, and as fully-functioning adults we need to stand up straight and just deal with it.

The friend zone happens. For every time you feel rejected, just remember the time when someone really liked you and you were just totally not into it. There is nothing you can do. The very word “friend zone” is designed to make people feel bad about feelings they can’t help having, so maybe it would be better for everyone if we stopped using it.

____

Isabel Slone is a Toronto-based fashion blogger and writer. Follow her on Twitter at @isabelslone.

For more, follow us on Twitter @TorontoStandard and subscribe to our newsletter.