It’s a universal truth that dealing with customer service–with the exception of Apple’s Genius Bar (and even then, only if you have AppleCare)–is a nightmare, or in the case of Andrew Gartner, a dark dystopian phantasm. After being sent flyers addressed to someone else, he wrote to Shoppers, as any slighted consumer would:
Hi guys,
I received a piece of mail today in my mailbox with your letterhead on it. At first I was alarmed, because any mail with “drug” in the title immediately raises a red flag with me, but then I looked you guys up and saw you were legit, so that’s not my concern.
[…] Naturally, I can draw one of two conclusions from this: 1) that Matthew is a previous resident of this address, and has not updated his address information with your system for over 3 years (the approximate time that I’ve lived here), in which case, please contact him about his up-to-date address information, and send no further mail to this address. Or 2), and I may be going out on a limb here, Matthew is a future resident of this address, and seemingly against the laws of causation, your computer system has this information, and prematurely mailed an advertisement to him before he’s actually lived here.
Shoppers replied to his email with this tongue-in-cheek reply:
Hello Andrew,
Thank you for writing us. We apologize if you have been receiving mail from Shoppers Drug Mart that was addressed to another customer. Unfortunately, we cannot comment on any research projects that we may currently be conducting. However, we would appreciate it if you could provide us with some additional information that would help us determine when the mailer you received was sent. Could you please let us know if it contained any of the following advertisements?
1) Now at Shoppers Drug Mart: Everexis
Cure any disease instantly with Everexis! Great for headaches, colds, cancer and more! With no known side effects, nothing can possibly go wrong!
2) 20X The Points on Meat Products
Got the Everexis munchies? Fill your strange and unspeakable hunger and get 20X The Points!
3) 20% Off Everexis Antidote
Everexis left you slow, lumbering, and quick to anger? Take the Everexis antidote. It hasn’t been fully tested, but it certainly can’t make things any worse!
4) Hide in a Shoppers Drug Mart Refugee Shelter
With over 1,200 locations still standing across Canada, Shoppers Drug Mart is the ideal place to hold up and hide from the hoard. Ration Nativa Cheese Puffs and Life Brand Vitamins while you wait for rescue! Blood samples will be required for admittance.
5) Wheat, Glorious Wheat
Exclusively at Shoppers Drug Mart! Rebuild society with wheat, a traditional non-synthetic foodstuff from the before-times. Act fast, as quantities are extremely limited.
If you did not see any of these promotions, please disregard this message. We will simply update our customer database. As our mailers are often sent out in advance, you may still receive additional mail over the next few weeks. We appreciate your patience while the update is processed.
Regards,
Shoppers Drug Mart Customer Service
You can read the full version here, but in the meantime, I’m saving my pennies for a bunker. Very WWII, very vintage.
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Vidal Wu is an intern at Toronto Standard. You can follow him on Twitter at @vidalwuu.
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