Angelina Jolie’s right leg has 20,000 followers on Twitter. I have 163. How is that even possible? I mean, I get that I’m not a glamorous humanitarian who is married to Brad Pitt, but lest we forget that she is Jon Voight’s daughter? Everyone knows Jon Voight is just a cheap Chris Walken rip-off.

Still, without further ado, as I am willing to publicly demean myself, let’s examine the ways in which Angelina Jolie’s leg is more interesting than me, thus warranting so many damned Twitter followers:

1) Her right leg is more slight than my right leg. That means her right leg is better than my right leg. (Thank you, cruel world.)

2) Her right leg has wrapped itself around more famous people than I, like Billy Bob Thornton, Jonny Lee Miller, Jenny Shimizu, Brad Pitt, oh–and her brother.

3) Her right leg is significantly more badass than me: I have never injected myself with an illicit substance (intravenously).

4) Her right leg has a Gawker article written about it. I do not have one written about myself, but I send tips to Gawker a lot and they should probably *notice me.*

4) Her right leg has been swathed in Versace. I have not (well, except for that one time at Winners with my mom where I tried on a hideous Versace dress–just cuz).

5) Her right leg has felt the warm sun of Africa. Despite my Hemingwayian dreams of the African tundra, I have never spent quality time there.

6) Her right leg has been touched by more than six children in one day (some hers, some not). I’ve done my fair share of babysitting, but I’ve never done that.

7) Her right leg has its own Twitter with 15,000 followers. I have only 163.

8) Her right leg has its own Twitter with 15,000 followers. I have only 163.

Oh, did I mention that her right leg has a Tumblr now too. For some reason, it’s also significantly more successful than my Tumblr, even though my Tumblr is amazing and deserves more credit.

You know what? It’s great that Angie is getting all this attention because she had a really great dress at the Oscars, but its also a bit disconcerting; we seem to be distracting ourselves with her leg instead of facing the truth: Angelina Jolie clearly has a terrible eating disorder. She may also also suffer from a psychological disorder as a result. So why don’t we start a Twitter about how she’s a bad role model? And how she probably needs help?

Fuck it, I’m starting a new (and better) Twitter to rebel against that other leg, and you can follow it at: @Paz_de_la_Huerta’s_normal_sized_left_leg_encased_in_black_lace_positioned_upon_Jeffrey_Deitch_seductively

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Jessica Carroll is the Toronto Standard’s editorial assistant. Follow her on Twitter at @jssckr.

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